Thursday, June 28, 2007

I know it's been several weeks since adding a post. I have been working on some new art pieces for clients. I hope to have a few new post in the coming weeks.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Why are we afraid to let people in?

For each individual it could mean a different answer when it comes to why we are afraid of allowing others into our life.

Fear of disappointment
Fear of rejection
Fear of being truly happy
Fear of betrayal
Fear of not measuring up
Fear of repeating prior mistakes

To address all from the list above would take some time, so I will touch on my reason of not allowing others in; trust. Trust seems to become a problem with many people and one, which usually stems back to prior events and experiences in our life. I’m glad to say I have made some great inroads in this area.

My trust issues tend to happen more with men than women. Could it be a freer sense of being with women and a less threatening demeanor and attitude? Could it be because of the lack of sexual tension? And with men, why is it the opposite? Is it the fear from past romantic relationship failures, my inability to communicate and open up stemming from my relationship with my father and other older men, or a mistrust by older men in my past? Definitely, I can answer yes to all of those.

The good news is, I realize my choices continue to get better with each new encounter with both men and women, hence my ability to trust them. Age has something to do with that.

My opinion-
Allowing yourself to trust someone can be hard to do, yet totally necessary if one plans to develop a stable relationship with another person. You must be able to open up, good or bad, and feel free to confide in other individuals. You can’t be afraid to ask for help and learn to rely on others. At times the other might falter in your eyes, but you have to be able to forgive if that’s the relationship you truly want. You want to make sure you grow from the experience of mistrust rather than it reinforcing previous negative trust issues.

Monday, June 4, 2007

When is it time to move on?

This is a more recent question I have posed to myself in regards to Aston and a blow-up with a friend of mine. Do we continue to hang on out of loyalty or the bond created over the years? How much do we value the friendship or our lover/partner to continue? Maybe it might be time to move on?

First and foremost, one should always recognize that fights or disagreements will pop up from time to time in every relationship. It’s part of the dynamic of a relationship. To let go or stop seeing someone because of a fight means we will always be alone. We should try and work out our difference in a rational manner. Apologizing at times is necessary, along with its opposite and just as important counterpart, forgiveness. Both aspects are key if the relationship intends to flourish.

But when is enough, enough? I believe this point comes when ultimately the disagreements, piteous, are not able to reach an accord and are so frequent that reason vacates the relationship. When forgiving and apologies are like pulling teeth and neither party is willing to make the first step in reconciling. Maybe we have out grown the person and now our lives are heading in new, different directions. Also, I think it’s time to move on when we ask ourselves: Does this person make me feel good about myself? When the answer is a resounding ”no” then you truly know.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

The Perfect Lie

As I'm here sitting doing my Super SuDoku this Sunday, I'm listening to Sheryl Crow again. Have to say my second favorite song by her is 'The Perfect Lie" of her latest album, Wildflower. Wish I knew how to post music on this sight.

The Perfect Lie
by Sheryl Crow

Burn like a cigarette
All inside my head
Reminding me not to forget
Words, words I'd never say
Things along the way
They're telling me that I'm the best

'Cause your face it doesn't look like it did
You give away everything now that you've hid
You, you wanna be only
To never get lonely
So you opened up your arms and took me in
And this our last goodbye
And this is a perfect lie
Told by someone that I used to know back then

Help, help is on the way
That's what they all say
But a thing that they don't know
Is I, I know everything
And maybe it's just a ring
But that won't make me let it go

Look at your face it doesn't look like it did
You give away everything now that your here
You, you wanna be only
To never get lonely
So you opened up your arms and let me in
And this our last goodbye
And this is a perfect lie
Told by someone that I used to know back then

Look at your face, it doesn't look like it did
You hide the love
That you're not willing now to give, willing now to give
You, you want to be only
To never get lonely
So you opened up your arms and let me in
And this is our last goodbye
And this is a perfect lie
Told by someone that I used to know back then

Saturday, June 2, 2007

As luck would have it, I ran into Aston last night. Was it luck or an unfortunate coincidence? He looked as handsome as ever waiting for the bus to take him to the Hamptons. Me, on the other hand, as fate would have it, had just come from the gym. Not looking my best I'm sure, but nevertheless, it was terrific bumping into him. Later that evening we talked on the phone with both of us concurring there was this great connection or bond between us; a rare connection! How special I wondered? Special enough to leave Steven for me? Time would tell, but I knew I couldn't wait around for him to decide.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Just a thought...

As I looked through recent photos of my trip to Paris, I came across this one of a fountain in Port-Royal. The grandeur and majesty of the horses conveyed a feeling of freedom. Then, I thought....To live our life bound and not free to be who we are, than are we really living.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Should I hire an escort? Sexless in the City

So here's the thing. I know I am gay. I have no doubt that I am gay. I don't desire to change the fact that I am gay. But the thing that would truly define me as "gay"(a sexual experience with another man) has yet to happen. I am currently in the closet but determined to bust out this year (and quick). I have to or I am going to explode. But before I make this declaration to the world, I think I need to have this experience. So I am considering hiring a male escort. It makes me a bit uneasy but I think I need it to get over the "hump" (if you pardon the bad pun).

Since I travel to NYC a lot, I keep seeing ads for such services. Do you have any advice on this topic? Or, perhaps, know where I could go to find out more? And, yes, I am old enough to be engaging in such an arrangement (dare I say,embarrassingly, way more than old enough - or as the case may better be: too old to not have by now).

I'm not meeting anyone at bars because I come across very stand-offish, simply because I am unsure of how quickly things might progress or what his intentions are. I figure if I pay for my "first time" it will be on my terms and in my control (as utterly unromantic as that sounds).

So is it a good idea? What is the safest way to go about it? (I am thinking a visit to MY hotel room - and no overnights)? Should I meet him at a bar or restaurant first? What are some reputable escort services? What should I expect? (besides it should be conducted in a completely safe and responsible manner on my part)

I'd love to hear another gay person's opinion on the matter? You know how it's
said everyone knows a gay person (weather they realize it or not). Well, what happens when you ARE the gay person everyone unknowingly knows? I guess,
you end up reaching out for advice from a total stranger on the web and hope for the
best? Thanks, Sexless in the City

Sexless in the City,
Well, I too understand your frustration, seeing as I did not have sex until I was 20. I was not fully aware of my sexual impulses as a teenager, but by the time I did have my first sexual experience with a man, I was somewhat aware of how I felt towards the same sex. To say it was an ideal situation, who knows, but at least it was with someone I trusted. The gentleman was my modeling booker whom I knew for about 3 months. He was much older and aware of the kind of impact this could have on me mentally, as I’m sure any one's first time sexual experience can be.

I believe it’s better to have sex the first time with someone you have known, even if it’s only been a couple of dates. To hire an escort is an easy way to avoid having to deal with the other fundamental aspects about two people connecting; not just sexually. Yes, it might temporarily solve your impulse, but will it actually convince you about your true feeling towards men? Another aspect to consider with an escort - will there be a void of emotions? This might have a negative affect. Or will they actually live up and go beyond your fantasy, making it impossible to connect with someone else in the real world? These are experienced individuals whose job is knowing how to satisfy their clientele.

If you are leery of bars and know no gay people, maybe an avenue you could try is a social network site like Myspace,, RealJocks, Dlist or You could maybe make a friend or two in your area. Who knows, along the way you might click with someone. But if you decide to go the escort route, do a little research first. You can always Google escort websites in your area or if you have the money some are known to travel to you. Whatever your decision in regards to hiring an escort; know once you are able to come to terms and know your sexual preference a weight will be lifted. It can be a great release; no pun intended.